Hello all,
I just don’t want to write today. I’d rather spend the afternoon in bed, crying. It’s one of those days. I’ve been busy though. The chickens and the rabbits have been fed and watered. The fellers have had their lunch, and I’m letting a couple of dishes soak.
I feel like throwing up.
This is what happens. My abdomen has been riled for a few weeks again. I haven’t eaten lunch yet, and a large meal is out of the question. I’m thinking of grabbing some ramen and just vegetating a little.
Definitely after I eat, my abdomen is going to revolt.
I’m stressed, really stressed. Sadly, it’s nothing on the farm that is bothering me.
I broke out my book this morning, and reread what I wrote. I was going to work on editing it, but I decided to follow what it said instead.
I wrote this a couple of years ago, and no it is not meant for publication. It’s a how-to manual for working the program of recovery outlined in many twelve step organizations with a focus on alcoholism as the main problem. I wrote it for those who are qualified for several fellowships, in order to help them survive the twelve steps in a reasonably sane manner.
I wrote it because I had noticed that my brain was slacking off, and I knew that I was forgetting the homework assignments that I give the people I sponsored back then.
The main problem I have though, is I stopped.
I am an alcoholic/addict. I’m related to more than one alcoholic.
I stopped.
I’m having a problem with one area of my life, a serious one, and I just am so overwhelmed. I want to curl up in a ball, and cry for days. I want to give up, and I want to give in. Hell, even some sick miniscule part of my brain even says maybe it would be better if I was boozing and using again.
That’s not the answer.
So, today I grabbed the book I wrote, and got back to work on doing what I need to do. Dad kinda understands that my brain is running away with me right now. Unc doesn’t understand, but is giving me the time I need to work through this stuff.
Thank God.
Meanwhile, I need to get back to work. There are dishes to do, laundry to wash, and some Tylenol to ease the abdominal and back pain.
Who else would do the work? Ergo, I must.
That’s all, Take care,
Louise Ann Benjamin

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