Long sad day

I am in bed. Tears on the edge of my eyes. I went to town and filled my gas tank. I purchased a few essential items and headed home.

It’s hard missing Jesse so much.

I am going to curl up and get some rest.



Not enough

There are weeks when I feel like I am not enough.

  • Not strong enough
  • Not smart enough
  • Not brave enough
  • Not courageous enough
  • Not ladylike at all
  • Not grown up enough
  • Not honest enough
  • Not good enough
  • Not anything enough
  • The truth is, I am not any of those things. I am a work in progress. I owe many many amends years and years later.
  • I do the best I can. However to keep going I go to at least 7 meetings per week. I work the program as much as possible.
  • I do what God has given me to do.
  • I don’t give up with God’s help. I was asked today if I could or would resign from service positions I have taken on. The answer was “No, my sponsor would beat the hell out of me if I did.”
  • While that is not exactly true, it is true enough. I need to grow up, and be a good person.
  • I will.
  • One day at a time.
  • Errands day in a wheelchair

    Just got home from running errands. It’s been a rough day. Wheelchairs are not for sissies.

    First stop was Walmart. Got to get that frog swallowed right away. I grabbed a cart in the parking lot and just decided to keep it for shopping. The electric carts are worthless in my opinion. They are too hard to maneuver and way to loud. I can get much more done in less time with my wheelchair and a standard cart.

    I began with the back of the store items first. I split the building into thirds. I start with the electric section because you know priorities. No one was there to help in that department, so I moved on.

    I scored 15 cent folders by the way over in school supplies. Then it was on to the grocery and baby section. Baby section? Baby wipes are my bff when I am in the chair. Even if I am not out at the beginning of the month I always stock up.

    Groceries got my full attention though. We were out of creamer and sweetener, powdered milk and many other incidentals. I switched the cart from in front of me to my side in the less crowded aisles. Sometimes I drug it behind me.

    Toilet paper was the one I must not leave this building without it item. I napped that like a bandit. In some of the aisles I had to lock my chair and stand to grab things. It was okay. While I can stand and walk very short distances, there is no way my legs can carry me all the way through the store.

    Before I left though, I zipped back to electronics and waited for a staff member. He was a little surly about helping me. However it is their job to unlock the items customers want. I needed a $10 item.

    Clearance section was my last stop on the way to the check. I scored a $20 watch band for $4.50 and I headed to the check.

    I was going to use the twenty items or less lane, but those folders put me over the limit. So I grabbed some ronson oil, flints, and my new lighter and headed to self check. In the wheelchair, the self checks with the belt are my bffs.

    I can take my time, not be distracted by impatient humans, and back things so that I am able to handle them. I was asked if I wanted help, but I was able to get everything without a major hitch. The one item in my cart that caused an issue?

    The ronson oil. I have to be over 18 to buy it.

    Chuckle. Life gets teejious.

    An angel helped take my cart back to the store after I loaded the car. Bless him.

    After Walmart was lunch at my favorite yummy place and then the car wash.

    Home brings me to unload the car, but Shuggie gets to put the heavy things away.

    The wheelchair helps me so much. I can do more in less pain, than I have been able to do in years.

    In a better mood today. Have to get my arse to a mtg. Ttyl.

    Resentment and grieving

    I am still grieving for a little puppy person. He would have been one years old next week.

    I want to rage and scream and cry.

    Nothing I can do.

    If this and that would not have happened , they wouldn’t have been on the farm. If this and that would not have happened ….

    I am angry and hurt.

    Add to that the crap that happened 3 days after Jesse died.

    I spend quite a few days craving a drink, wanting to get high, wanting oblivion.

    I am having a hard time going to meetings right now.

    I don’t want to speak to anyone right now.


    I better quit whinging and get my butt to sleep.