Month: September 2021

Written on National Coffee Day. September 29th, 2021

Happy National Coffee Day! This is a holiday I can really get behind. I am enjoying the brew of choice in the mug of choice, and somehow quite properly.

The mug of choice? A 1 liter mug I bought at Walmart for a buck. Snort. Brew of choice? Today it’s french press, cheap grounds, and strong enough that if I didn’t have my hair in a bun, it would curl.

My other favorite Holidays include…

• Friday the 13th. Someone I knew went absolutely apeshit every Friday the 13th. Very superstitious and all of that. They are divorced from my family member now, and so it is a Holiday of High Import for me and my family member.
• Halloween. I can take off my mask and be my gorgeous self.
• First Day of Spring. The thistles and dandelions in Minnesota and South Dakota start peeking through the snow.
• First Snow of the year. Mosquitoes aren’t easily able to hunt and find a person. (Note: I live in Minnesota, there are mosquitoes after the first snow fall, also ticks and flies, just saying.)
• Back to School Clearance Sales (I may have a notebook and pen fetish. I can get year’s worth of notebooks for a buck.)
• After popular Holiday Clearance Sales. 20 pounds of Candy for 5 bucks….

These are Holidays, days of Celebration, in my book. The other more popular ones, don’t quite compare. Santa Claus stopped believing in me decades ago. The Easter Bunny stopped doing anything but eat my rose bushes around the same time. Valentines Day? You have got to be kidding me. I’m an old married Hag. Valentines is only there to sell chocolates and jewelry.

Before I sobered or cleaned up, being forced to participate in ‘family holidays’ were a heck of a trigger. I used for most of them. I needed to be wasted to deal with a certain former member of my family. Yet, I was the screwed up one.

My side of the street? I couldn’t handle that human anymore. Being wasted made more sense than trying to please them, and was more pleasant.

In reality, I was so stoned, I wasn’t there.

In recovery, I’ve decided that I will celebrate the popular holidays, but I will also celebrate days that make sense to me. Days I want to feel extra, or that I want to honor. Other holidays not mentioned above are certain family member’s birthdays. I also celebrate Freddie Mercury’s birthday, and Snoopy’s.

A certain Kondo method made someone a lot of money on the premise of if it doesn’t bring you joy, pitch it. My premise is that I will endure for harmony, but will celebrate certain days for my own sanity’s sake.

Huge hugs all, -L

Heads up:

My anxiety levels have been through the roof lately. So you may see me in a meeting online, and then poof, I’m gone.

This is normal for September and October. It’s the pre-clean date depression and anxiety where addict brain is going ape on me again. It’s the big gorilla in the room in a fluffy pink tutu wearing glittery purple neon wings.

I’m dealing with it. However, at any time, I might need to bug out. Public panic attacks, even online ones suck big time. So, I’m waiting out addict brain. Though I have gotten better at yelling back.

When addict brain tells me that I’m worthless and don’t deserve to breathe, I’ve gotten pretty good at telling it to Shut the f* up. When addict brain tells me that everything I say and do is evil and I need to be punished for all of it’s imagined sins, I tell it where to go, and how to get there. When addict brain wants to replay every nasty part of being abused as a child or in my first marriage, I’ve got the ability to put a pin in that balloon and pop the sheet out of it.

Some days, I do better than others.

However, in public, it’s a bit harder having those screaming matches with the disease of addiction in my head. So, it’s much easier to bug out quietly and safely. Even in meetings, which should be the safest place in the world for me, addict brain wants me dead in a ditch.

So, what do I do? I bug out quietly, give myself a break, and hit a different online meeting an hour or two later. Addict Brain can kiss my fat cellulite encrusted backside. Addict brain isn’t going to win.

Hugs ya’ll. Take care, -L

Hello all, am posting late today. I had written a post, but deleted it as it wasn’t blog worthy material.

I’m currently studying the Minnesota Department of Public Safety Driver and Vehicle Services Devision Driver’s Manual.

Shoot me. It is boring, dull as ditch water, and almost as delicious as that rare treat. Sighs. Even the South Dakota CDL manual was better a few years ago. Oh well, I cringe and whine.

Why haven’t I done this earlier? See duller than ditch water…. However, my belly button birthday is looming. So, I must either pass or fail.

Why? I’d moved my DL to South Dakota a few years back, and the state of MN decided that I must take the written test in order to be licensed again.

Then Corona Virus hit.

So, I must pass this dratted test. I highly recommend this manual to those who are insomniac, or those who have anxiety disorders. Sleep is short coming while reading this thing. Why can I recommend? I have both issues.

So, back to the grind stone. I’m finding that I get quite a bit of housework and personal cares taken care of with this manual in my home.

However, there is an app that allows me to study and take practice tests on my tablet. It’s more pleasant at least. So, I study, then do a practice test, then study again.

Note: I’m not a bad driver, my insurance gives me a $200 discount for safe driving every so many months. Which is good to know.

I best get back to work.

Hugs, -L

Coming up, I’m going to be celebrating 23 years clean. I’ve got a few plans in the works, and have decided on a getaway for myself and possibly Duke.

I’ve talked to my little brother, and possibly will be camping on the family farm that weekend. Here’s the plan thus far. I will be leaving Minnesota on the 15th in the morning. I’ll stop at a couple of stores on the way for provisions.

I’ll camp in the vehicle, as putting up a tent from the wheelchair might be a bit rough. Also, sleeping on the ground might cause issues.

• Goals for the weekend:
• Visit the Papa unit, corrupt him a little.
• Spend time on the firing range, figure out if I am able to still shoot well or not.
• Spend time knitting and working on a couple of projects
• Spend time in prayer, and alone with my creator.

So, hopefully, we will be okay. I’m looking forward to it, and we will see what happens.

Take care, hugs, -L

Hello all, Am sitting having a delicious taco salad, and my cravings are Sated for strange yummy foods today. Yesterday, I ended up going into a grocery store, not just a convenience store. The hubs suggested that we need misc foods other than bread, milk and cheese.

So, being a good sport, I drove over to the local Hy-Vee. It was less of a slog than I thought it would be. I used a short cart, and was able to get through the store with little muss or fuss. I was thrilled.

The reason I haven’t been shopping at Hy-Vee is cost. I couldn’t see spending the higher prices for food over convenience. Well, the tables have been turned. The convenience of shopping in a store that is smaller than Walmart, and has only groceries… They also have a better variety than Walmart.

Case closed in my book. Among the food was the ingredients for Taco salad. I’d bought one at a fast food place once without the meat. Was the exact same price as one with meat, and realized that the only difference between one I’d make at home and that one is that I don’t use guac.

We feasted like kings last night, by the way.

Dad has me order this and that from Amazon and Walmart for delivery for him. In his area, they now have Amazon delivery drivers, instead of going through Fed Ex/Ups or some such. I got a notification on my phone that the driver was having problems.

Crap. I let them know that Dad was on the way to the door, and asked what was up. It’s a great coincidence that Dad and I were on the phone at the time of the message. Well, my brother’s dog was loose, and the driver wouldn’t leave their vehicle without the dog being under control.

Crap.

Farm dogs main purpose is to protect the property, and so the driver was totally in the right to not even try. The driver sent me a message saying that they got the package delivered, and all was well. Thank Goodness.

Lastly: Without further ado, my idea for vegetarian tacos or taco salad this is NOT a recipe. I could give a crap less about recipes. TBH

• 1 can refried beans
• 1 can small sliced black olives
• 1 taco flavored cheese
• lettuce
• salsa
• sweet french dressing
• sour cream
• either nacho cheese flavored tortilla chips or taco shells, your choice
• Other veg you are interested in, like peppers or diced onions etc…
• You could add peanuts, or mixed nuts, you could work in cooked rice or any other foods you enjoy. I just left out the meat. If you must, you can even put the refried beans in a bowl and zap them for a few to give you the hot/cold combo some folks like in their tacos.

Note: I make a huge personal salad and eat over a couple of days. I open everything, and add what I like as I’m craving it. I miss the salsa and sweet dressing together and heap the works in a large bowl.

Over the course of a couple days, I include the unused ingredients in other meals. Refried beans I use like a peanut butter on bread or mixed into hot dish and such.