Category: recovery

He has taken up both of his dickishness alotments for the week.

anonymousknitterLeave a comment

Hey there, Duke and I are being goodest. The Husband is in a little warmer water than usual. Life happens.

The last few days have been a little hotter under the collar than usual. I tease that we are allowed only two dickishness episodes per week. He’s used his up by midnight Tuesday. I have one available yet. Sighs.

The good news, is that for the most part life is good. The new wheelchair is slick, and I love it. I also bought somethings to make life more comfortable for me. I have to get unconventional to make life work.

There are times when we just get on each other’s nerves. However, the question is always there. How do I work the program at home? How do I keep my character defects under wraps. Yes, there is the 3rd step prayer. “Take my will and my life, guide me in my recovery, show me how to live.” It’s also the 7th step prayer.

There are times this is easy. Then my ‘rights’ come to the table, and the world goes a bit to shit in a hand basket. I need to work a thousand times harder to keep from causing harm.

There’s so much work, but it is worth it. I better get back to it. Take care, -L

October camping plans

anonymousknitterLeave a comment

Welp, it is official. On my 51st birthday, and my 25th clean date I will be camping in South Dakota. It’s the state I was born in, and in a weird way, will be much thought and prayer.

I’m a bit ambivalent about turning 25. Never thought I would live this long, let alone spend it clean. The world is a strange place, and keeps getting weirder and weirder. Never thought I would become a writer, a housewife, or a Chairperson in my recovery service group.

I’m the first female chair for my service group.

Weird, huh.

Camping will be with family, possibly 3 other humans. We will see. I know for a fact that cheesecake will be involved. I’ll be bringing it.

Take care my friends. Hugs, -L

On Relapse

anonymousknitterLeave a comment

Last night’s talk was on relapse. Here are my thoughts.

I can’t say that I ever would relapse. I’ve been clean a very long time, decades. My drugs of choice are both alcohol and pills. I love how they make me feel, and I love what they can do to me. Nothing is better to me than a tall black velvet neat, nursed over the night, washing down with a few sleeping pills. I can sleep then. You know?

Give me a jack daniels, sweet, easy on the way down, and smooth. Or a long island iced tea, take my car keys of course. Let me have a couple more, and when I’m too sloshed to keep ordering send me off in a cab. I may puke a few times, but that’s part of the game. Don’t mind the fact that I won’t have a clue if I slept with the cab driver or not, let me have more.

On the pills, prescribe enough to not just cover the pain, but to numb me down. Let me sleep the clock round, and on the rare occasions I wake up, let it be to take more pills. Take a shower? Are you kidding me? I’ll shower when I have to leave the house. Let me have sweet oblivion.

When the booze and the pills kill me, just throw me in the burn pile. Don’t worry about it. Scatter my ashes at my dealer’s place, it’s where I’m happiest.

That’s what waits for me. Should I relapse. The disease has been waiting for me for over 20 years. I fight relapse every time I work a step, go to a meeting, or live the program. Every time I work with another addict, or reply to an addict about another problem, I’m kicking addiction in the nads.

Fighting addiction, means that I’m not giving in, or giving up. It’s part of who I am now. I may be an old woman in a wheelchair, but the disease isn’t done with me, so I’ll keep fighting it. I’ll fight it as long as I can.

Hugs my friends. Take care, -L

You’re kidding me right?

anonymousknitterLeave a comment

I have a small addiction. It harms no one. I am happy with it, and as long as I can afford to deal with it and the repercussions, no harm no foul right?

Well, this particular addiction is olives. I love olives, and will fight for the right to enjoy a can or jar of olives to myself. I have a snack cupboard in the office which has cans of the things at all times.

I’m insane, I know. There could be a week or even a month where I don’t have the lovely delicious things, but you know. The craving, the urge for them is always there. No other food is like this one, and nothing in my heart and soul can compare.

25 years ago, my cupboard was filled with other things. Bottle upon bottle of substances. Booze, drugs, and the like. I slept the clock around, and woke up in a stupor to use again and crash.

I will enjoy my olives, please and Thank You. It’s a simpler life than the old one, and while I will still fight anyone who grabs my stash, at least in this case, worlds will not end if I don’t get anymore. I won’t die without olives, and I won’t hurt anyone to get them.

It is two totally different addictions. In my case, I’m not wearing orange as a consequence of my actions. Take care my friends. -L

The new favorite hobby

anonymousknitterLeave a comment

Morning all, hope you are well enough. Duke and I are out in the office, and the neighbor dog is singing the song of her people. Duke is whining back. Snort.

For many years now, I have done something called the purge. When I went to the farm, my Dad put a stop to it, but once I moved back to town it was possible again. What’s the purge? “Getting rid of crap that is in the way, or no longer needful. Putting the things I need to use, and either repairing or replacing those things that are broken.

As a side quest to the purge, the move into the new office which is no longer a dungeon or place of punishment, my seratonin goes way up when a full bin of broken and useless crap goes away. The first Tuesday morning after moving off the farm, I sat up all night and cheered when the garbage pickup happened.

Now, it is full spring, and working out here is a thing. I’ve shoving things in that bin like my life depends on it. Because actually it does. I need room to move the wheelchair around in here. 20 years worth of shopping bags, things that my husband refused to get rid of, just need to go.

Every year, my community sends out 2 magazines with summer activities and winter activities. We don’t need 3 years worth of those things. Heck even the current one, after I’ve marked the dates on the calendar can go.

Moldy and musty items someone dumpster dived and gave to me. That’s a no-brainer, I’m allergic to mold. They go in the bin the minute that person leaves the neighborhood. There are many many other things on the purge list.

So, as it is garbage day. I’m looking for more and more things to get the heck out of my life. I refuse to be a hoarder.

Take care my friends. gentle hugs. -L