Category: recovery

Why are you still in recovery, and why do you still go to meetings? You’ve been clean almost 25 years

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Morning all, hope this post reaches you in good serenity. We’re behaving.

I recently had this question come up. I started the answer on pen and paper, but decided to move it to the blog. My clean date is October 16th 1998. I’ve been actively going to meetings since September 2nd 1997.

I’ve ordered my 25 year medallion, NA doesn’t give frontsies, however I do want it available when the time comes. I have chosen a phoenix design this time Why?

This October when the time comes, I still won’t have been clean half of my life. I was born drunk. My folks believed in a little beer in the baby bottle. I will be 51 years old the day my medallion is real. I remember my last use.

It was at Smookies pizza. Combo plates, skunked beer, and my soon to be ex-husband. I didn’t know it was a soon to be ex, at that time, he was only threatening me back then. The beatings hadn’t commenced yet. The divorce will have been final 25 years ago July 23rd this year.

I remember who I was back then. I remember the desperation. I remember being a slave to drugs. I remember that life revolved around Dr’s appointments, lying, begging, and dying on the inside. I remember getting last rites by a priest with tears in his eyes after a suicide attempt of 63 sleeping pills.

Addiction is patient as hell. It’s growing in me, and waiting for me to slip. Then here we go again.

That’s what it was like. What’s happened since then is logged here on this website over and over again. Working the steps, finding and keeping a sponsor. Living the program. Thousands of meetings, many hours over coffee until 3-4 in the morning. Campouts, dances, cleaning ashtrays, and pouring over literature looking for the solution. None of that was a waste of time.

They say only 2 percent of addicts make it in recovery. Lower than the 3 percent that AA claims. Here’s the rub.

I’ve seen obituaries and jail rosters. I’ve gone to funerals. The disease of addiction is death in a nutshell. That’s why I stay clean, work a program, and go to meetings. I’ve received last rites once. Let’s don’t do that again.

Hugs my friends. Take care. Love you. -L

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Back to Basics

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Morning all, hope you are well. It’s Saturday morning, and I’m finally settled down at the keyboard for the morning. I’ve done all the phone calls, I’ve done my morning check ins, and I’ve started cleaning a little bit.

My younger brother suggested starting taking an iron supplement. I’ve begun, and my brain and body seem to feel a little better today. I’m not going to argue. The biggest crisis I’ve had so far was a bad pain night. I’ll be okay, and have taken my morning pain medications. Medically, I’m going to be okay.

As far as Back To Basics goes, I read something this morning that changed my mind a bit. “When you see a Basic Text falling apart, you find a person who isn’t” was the quote. I like that. It’s been awhile since I’ve read the Basic Text every morning. My books is dog earred for sure. It has many underlines, highlights, and lots of washi tape in it outlining things. It has tabs on the edges like a Bible. Yes, I feel washi tape is a waste for bullet journal or planner uses, it’s not for a Bible or a Basic Text. That’s the disclosure.

Meanwhile, I’m also reading my daily meditations again. NA has come out with a new one, the Spiritual Principle a Day book. I also have my old Just For Today book. So, I’m back in the saddle.

Take care my friends, hugs huge ones. -L

At peace with change

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Morning all, the caveman and the Duke are both behaving. I’m working on the blog, and hoping today to get some other chores done/did.

I remember when I switch from ios devices to android. I also remember the phenomenal amount of bitching I did. I remember when I bought the first android tablet. I also remember the amount of bitching that brought on.

Then I also remember the whining that windows brought with every major update. And, I remember the whining I did when the old laptop was no longer updateable to windows 11. Here, I sit at a device that I’m now comfortable with. I’m still working out the kinks on the beastie.

I just figured out where the apps are. I just found this, that and the next thing. Crap this thing has gaming potential. Ooh, everything is in the cloud, something I fought to do over the last how many months or years?

So, it’s different. I confess, I don’t like things to change. I don’t like upgrades decided on by others. I’m a control freak, and a perfectionist. I freaking need to get rid of those character defects. They get in the road.

So, becoming ‘At peace with change” is something I need to focus on. “When I focus on the problem, the problem increases, when I focus on the solution…” Yep, This year, I wanted to focus on character assets, however I also need to root out those freaking character defects.

Sighs. Can I curl up in a ball and whine some more? Probably not, would need some burly firefighters to unwind my body and put me back in the chair.

Wait a minute!

Have a good one my friends. Take care please. -L

No matter what

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Morning all, hope you are well. I’m writing this around 5 in the evening. It’s been a rough but okay day so far. The boys are behaving, I am as well. I’m about to start getting the dishes done.

I’m currently missing my regularly scheduled recovery commitment. This bites me hard. Well, for the proper language, I’m disappointed in the situation. Okay, I know why it was canceled. I just really really look forward to these monthly talks at aftercare.

However, from the wheelchair, going out in all weathers is over. I don’t have a snowplow on the chair, so you know, life happens. Heck, I can’t even push the thing through a few little flakes. Yet, that’s not the point of the exercise.

I guess sitting here listening to 40 year old country music isn’t helping matters is it. Chuckle. Songs as familiar as my hands croon in my ears, and settle my soul. They bring me to a place in my heart where I was still young and lithe. They bring me to a place when I could run, and the worst of my addiction hasn’t happened yet.

Now we come to the point of this post. I’m a drug addict in recovery. I’ve been taking part in online clean work for many years, back to the days when ICQ was the site of choice, and yahoo groups were a thing.

Back then, there were not enough face to face meetings available to keep me going, so I attended online meetings often. I was a weirdo, back then that was unheard of. Today, it’s saved my sanity. I learned to stay clean no matter what.

Recovery has to be my first priority, and staying sober, for those who drink or staying clean for the rest of us has to come first. It’s the only thing after my faith in God that comes before family, friends, and my marriage.

As an addict, I am responsible for living the program, working the steps and carrying the message. I am accountable to my marriage, my friends and family for staying sober. How? I would not have those things if I wasn’t sober today. If I picked up, those relationships would just be done. The next high would be my God again, and nothing, absolutely nothing would stop me.

I know, after working the 4th and 5th steps what I am capable of, and I know how much damage I did in the boozing and using days. I also know that clawing my way out of that hell was not easy, and without the help of a Higher Power, higher than the disease of addiction, I have no chance of a snowball in hell of coming back to recovery.

You see, once using becomes acceptable, nothing matters anymore. It is what it is. It’s normal again, and we are not talking about the washer. We are talking about what is regularly happening on a daily basis for me.

So, no matter what, I want to stay clean. I want to be among the sober ones. I want to live long enough to get that 75 year medallion some day.

Take care my loved ones, be careful out there. Hugs and huggage. I will bug you again soon. -L

Change is good. I’ll take silver dollars please.

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Just kidding. Good morning all. Young Master Duke is keeping an eye on me. I’ve been busy doing chores. My Beloved is asleep. Happy US Thanksgiving to those who celebrate. Happy Friendsgiving. Happy Thursday etc…

I swapped out the tables I use in the mini dungeon. I also set up and did the dishes. I hand wash dishes, as even with setting up the folding table and using wash tubs, it is easier than using the dishwasher. Also, it keeps my hands clean.

Meanwhile, I’m behind on my projects. I swapped tables because my Husband wanted the one for something. The one I have is possibly better suited, I’m not entirely sure. It is on wheels though, so that’s something.

I was really upset, though. When he asked me to do this. I don’t like tearing things down on the fly and swapping stuff out like this unless of course, it is my idea. Chuckle. I swallowed my pride, and did the work.

I left out the snarky comments, and didn’t start a fight like I wanted to. Fighting my character defects sucks. Yes, I’m supposed to be a good kid. Yes, I’m supposed to turn the character defects over. There are days when I do pretty okay on that.

Then there are days like today. Today I want to scream and rage. It’s not becoming a knitter. I know. I don’t want to be a psychopathic bitch. I want to be kind, and to be nice. It doesn’t matter how long I have been sober or clean, I still have character defects.

This means, I still have work to do. The irony, getting rid of character defects isn’t as easy as waving a wand over my head. It’s not as easy as getting dunked in a giant bathtub in front of a congregation. It’s not as easy as fessing my sins in front of a priest.

It means that every time my brain wants to be sick int he head, I need to change my character for the better. Even after all these years sober, I still have to work on this. The problem is still me.

So, I need to get back to work. Young Master Duke wants to go out I am certain. I have more work to do anyways.

Gentle hugs my friends. Be good. -L