Addicts like telling stories.

Morning, I just scrapped today’s post. I took forever to get to the point, and I was sick of it. The punchline to the post was this. I wore earrings for the first time in a few years again.

Here are the punchlines for today.

I’m tired.

I’m hurting.

I’m scared.

I’m lonely.

I’m whining.

I need a hug.

Take care my friends. -L


I’ve been behaving, a little, okay a tiny bit

Morning all. Duke is napping. The husband unit is mumbling to himself again in the dining room. It’s ironic that the add med means that I don’t get irritated near as bad by this as I used to.

Hope you are well. I’m working on coffee that I can actually drink. My taste buds have been reading differently than before. Sweets are way too sweet, and bitters are horrifying. However, I’ve been drinking rotgut coffee for year and years.

I’ll either learn to just swallow the stuff as is, or adapt and find a cheap coffee that isn’t so disgusting.

Meanwhile, I am using the quieter keyboard this morning. I know, my favorite keyboard is on standby just in case I need to growl back. Snort. I’m entertained, and if the clatter of my keyboard can get past the sound of 5 fans running, more power to it.

Fighting the depression is on going. Today’s task is to take my medication for diabetes. Yes, there’s a siren going off in my head that in 19 minutes I need to take those meds. It’s almost a physical feeling, that siren. I am okay with it. I glance up at the clock, but having the reminders go off mentally is helping.

I’m cool with this change. Most of the time, I’d look at the clock and say yep, let me do… and 10 hours later it is too late. Having the urge to do, and get it done is a relief.

I’m finding that I have determination now, that I didn’t have before. It is as if there is a shield between my brain and all the freaking distractions I used to have. If you have ever played jezzball on an older Microsoft computer, with every level you go up, more balls are added. My brain worked like that… I was on a higher level, and no matter what I did there were thousands of little balls flinging at me.

Now, my brain is functioning safely at a lower level. This is cool. Meanwhile, lets talk about this horrible behaving thing.

I haven’t yelled once.

He’s been playing flinch with me, but I haven’t yelled once. I haven’t reacted to the mind games. I haven’t flung his crap back at him. It’s like the old sing song from when I was little, I’m rubber you are glue whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.

His stuff is bouncing back at him, without my reacting to it. I’m not doing it on purpose, I’m just working through what I need to get done. If he doesn’t like it, then he shouldn’t dish it is the way that I see it.

Yes, I’m sticking up for myself more and more. I do make certain that my biological and social needs are met. However, I don’t have to be under his thumb anymore. I may not be able to leave, but I can work through healthier ways to stay. And at least in that, I’m behaving, just a teeny tiny bit.

Gentle hugs my friends, I love you. Will be back again soon. –L

Errands and chronic pain

Morning all, Young Master Duke and I are cuddling up in bed. I really overextended myself yesterday. However I had ṭo get out for awhile.

This is your average fibro flare. Life pretty much sucks right now. Yet the things still need to get done. I needed to go to goodwill, the store, and the library.

I picked up some books at goodwill. I needed clothes and shoes as well. I think I did okay for the most part. I’m waiting for some help to haul the books in though.

Then I went to the convenience store. Sadly they are cheaper than the grocery store right now. My husband has been craving ground beef again. While I can’t eat it, he seems to enjoy it. Then there was the bread, milk, eggs and such.

Last errands was to the library. It was the most trauma inducing part of the day. A class of preschoolers was leaving as I arrived. I haven’t seen or heard that many short people in ages.

Panic level went from a base of 2 to 8 in less than seconds. With pain levels where they are, I didn’t know if I could keep going. Yet, I DID IT! I got to visit all the books!!!!

I even checked a couple of them out. I’m so happy. -L

The secret hideout

Morning all, hope you are well. Still having one of those dramatic pain day things, so here is a post from the drafts pile.

Before social distancing was a thing, I had a hideout I would go to. It was safe, quiet, and comforting. I’m not sure how old I was when I first entered the hideout. I do know I was mesmerized back then. I’d never seen a place like it before.

I found weird magic there, and could relax without worrying. I was happy, for the first time in forever. I learned that the more I went to the hiding space, the less was expected of me by others. I learned that I could hide, comfortable, quietly and safely.

It didn’t matter there what was going on at home. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t do things others could do. I didn’t get overstimulated, or have panic attacks there. I saw others, but we treated each other with dignity and respect.

I could just be, while I was there. I could get lost from the pain and reality of the day to day. I found so much there, and wished and even dreamed during the worst of the lockdown that I could go back. I couldn’t though. Being immune compromized, I was stuck. I had no choice but to be here in the house 24/7.

Then social media, being the cruel monster it is, noticed that I had certain interests. Lately, they have been showing posts of hideaways like my secret place. They have been even taunting me with it. I’ve been getting more lost in my life, lately. I want to go back.

I’m thinking, that it is time. Just one of these errand days, to sneak over there. I want to see the changes that they have made. I want to know what is happening, and how the folks there are. I want to go back to my safe secret place again.

I wonder, if my library card is still active. Hmm, looks like I’m going to check it out. -L

Running on ‘E’

Good Morning! Hope you are well. Young Master Duke is stretched out to get some rest. My beloved is watching a show. I’m waiting for the batteries to recharge. I’ve noticed lately that I’m just wore out. Last night was another 3 hours sleep night. I woke up feeling like I’d been in a rock tumbler instead of bed for multiple hours. Though this particular rock tumbler seems to be as massive as the cement mixers that Mythbusters used to blow up.

Maybe it feels like I was inside the particular cement mixer that they sent to orbit. Oh well. I’m waiting for certain joints to pop. I’m not exactly in the financial situation to be able to have a massage therapist, a physical therapist and a back cracker on duty 24/7. Heck, back crackers aren’t covered by my insurance. The last one I saw scared the tar out of me. I’d been in an accident. She told another lady in the same accident that I would be in a wheelchair by age 40. I showed her, it was in my middle 40’s. Snort.

So, how does a chubby old lady recharge her batteries? Let’s begin at the beginning. I have a 1 gallon ziplock bag of medications that help my body keep on. Diabetes meds, 3 of them, are important. Then there are blood pressure pills, cholesterol pills and the supplements to reduce inflammation. There’s the supplements to help my brain keep functioning, and lastly the generic midol. The last one, is about the only thing I take for pain.

Now let’s talk about keeping my brain working. Yes, I take magnesium for that, but I also take coffee, and the occasional energy drink. There are days when it is 2 energy drinks. However, I find that I can think better with the energy drinks. My brain is the only thing I have. The coffee is also medicinal. I’m a homicidal wench without it.

Nicotine, helps with the depression. Whatever chemicals that I haven’t had in my brain naturally is replaced by whatever nicotine does. I’m tempted to switch to just patches at this point. It is cheaper than the method I currently use. Tapering off, while living with a smoker would not be choice or freaking easy.

Now, let’s talk about actual recharging of the batteries, so far, I’ve written about maintenance. I don’t do yoga. The poses in yoga are physically impossible. What I do do is stretches. I use my cane to help keep my shoulders from completely locking. I work on it after the midol has a chance to start easing up the pain. Whatever endorphins are released, along with increased range of motion, are a plus.

I wish I could work, I wish I could walk. I wish I could climb trees and go on hikes through my favorite park again. Not going to happen. Heck, I wish I could drive awhile in order to get from point A to point B. However, wishes don’t recharge my batteries. Also, there are no call centers available for me to work at within 60 miles.

So, other methods. I play online games. I listen to music. Okay Rob Zombie is a thing. So is Clanadonia. I nap. When I can, I take a bath. I watch videos on how to do intricate stitch wizardry. All of these recharge the batteries.

However, the A+++ of all of the techniques I use to recharge? Napping with Young Master Duke. Which is where I’m heading right now. Take care my friends. I have a pupper unit who must be snuggled. I will bug you again soonest. -L