This morning, I’m up a bit early, and I am taking a break from my own recovery homework. I am doing step 1 again. I decided to work step 1 as if I was a newcomer, doing the homework for the first time. So I am studying the Big Book from inside the front cover to the back.
I am taking notes, writing down definitions, and doing exactly what I have asked the people I sponsor to do.
I am setting aside the fact that I have worked the steps many times and written down these same notes many times. I am using the Big Book as a text book. Each time I study the book, I learn something new. Something of my alcoholic brain and ego slips, and is replaced by something different.
Recently, I began to doubt my own sobriety, and my motives for staying sober. It happens to many of us. I had been told that my standards are too high as a sponsor. That rocked me to the core. I considered for a few moments getting drunk. I wallowed in self-pity for awhile. However I also talked to others.
My AA friends reassured me, but also told me that I am…
- Demanding- from my oldest friend and sponsor.
- A meany- from a good friend and AA member, said in jest… I think.
- Strict- from my own 10th step inventory.
- They wouldn’t want me for a sponsor, and they wouldn’t want themselves for a sponsor either. – from a good friend and AA member.
So, back to the books I go. I am following my own directions, word for word, that are posted on this blog. I am doing this for three reasons. Firstly, because I doubt of my ability to sponsor. Secondly, because an alcoholic asked me to sponsor them yesterday. Thirdly, because I need to re-evaluate the words I have posted on this blog, as well as the methods I use to sponsor. I pray I can be of service to that alcoholic.
So, in pursuit of rigorous honesty, I will post a couple of pics. I went to my notebook stash and grabbed a couple of fresh notebooks yesterday. I went to the pen stash and found some of my favorites. I grabbed an old collegiate dictionary, and got to work.
Below you will find my definitions page, as well as the first page of step one questions.