Studying the book, and questioning my sobriety.

Good Morning,

This morning, I’m up a bit early, and I am taking a break from my own recovery homework. I am doing step 1 again. I decided to work step 1 as if I was a newcomer, doing the homework for the first time. So I am studying the Big Book from inside the front cover to the back.

I am taking notes, writing down definitions, and doing exactly what I have asked the people I sponsor to do.

I am setting aside the fact that I have worked the steps many times and written down these same notes many times. I am using the Big Book as a text book. Each time I study the book, I learn something new. Something of my alcoholic brain and ego slips, and is replaced by something different.

Recently, I began to doubt my own sobriety, and my motives for staying sober. It happens to many of us. I had been told that my standards are too high as a sponsor. That rocked me to the core. I considered for a few moments getting drunk. I wallowed in self-pity for awhile. However I also talked to others.

My AA friends reassured me, but also told me that I am…

  1. Demanding- from my oldest friend and sponsor.
  2. A meany- from a good friend and AA member, said in jest… I think.
  3. Strict- from my own 10th step inventory.
  4. They wouldn’t want me for a sponsor, and they wouldn’t want themselves for a sponsor either. – from a good friend and AA member.

So, back to the books I go. I am following my own directions, word for word, that are posted on this blog. I am doing this for three reasons. Firstly, because I doubt of my ability to sponsor. Secondly, because an alcoholic asked me to sponsor them yesterday. Thirdly, because I need to re-evaluate the words I have posted on this blog, as well as the methods I use to sponsor. I pray I can be of service to that alcoholic.

So, in pursuit of rigorous honesty, I will post a couple of pics. I went to my notebook stash and grabbed a couple of fresh notebooks yesterday. I went to the pen stash and found some of my favorites. I grabbed an old collegiate dictionary, and got to work.

Below you will find my definitions page, as well as the first page of step one questions.

Here you will find my notes on the book based on where I am at right now.
If you have any questions, feel free to email me at