Tag: Sobriety

Beloved wake up!

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If you have spent much time on tiktok, you probably have that assinine Chrissy wake up song stuck in your head. I know I do. Morning all, hope you are well. I’m in the midst of some dishes and laundry work here at the house. My beloved is asleep.

As I am stuck in the kitchen, I’ve been handwashing the dishes for the most part. It’s theraputic, and I’m about ready to scream. It seems that everytime I turn around, the man is asleep in bed.

I can’t get anything done in the dungeon/office, and I’m getting frustrated. Doing dishes is much safer than screaming my fool head off. It’s also much kinder than whacking him upside the head with a skillet. Yes, I’m grouchy. I get it.

I don’t have the right to take my frustrations out on him or Young Master Duke. It’s my own fault that I am not practicing the program. Needless to say, thanks to the Voldemort virus, it has been over a month since my last meeting.

I know that with the virus levels really high in my community again, I am better off staying at home. Yet nothing beats drinking horrible coffee in a room of lunatics in recovery. It’s like the pressure cooker is taken off the high burner for an hour.

Sometimes, it’s like the pressure cooker is run under cold water, and the world is a better place. Yet, there’s nothing I can do to fix this. The worst part, I caught the virus and brought it home by going to a meeting.

I can’t put my Beloved’s life in danger again from the virus. How would I make amends to him if I did that? How does one make the amends to someone you put in the grave by exposing them to a disease that could kill them?

So, instead, I have to get over myself, and the bullsheet in my head. It’s time to get back to doing the dishes.

Take care my friends, Hugs, gentle distance ones. -L

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Who is in charge?

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Morning all, have been on a roll lately, and chatted with an old buddy of mine. He’s a good kid, does damned fine work keeping out of the wheelchair. He’s also a friend of Bill W.

He reminded me about who is in charge of our decisions. I feel convicted here. I do my best, but there are times, that my best just isn’t good enough.

Without justifying, I took the 3rd step. However, I have been lagging on maintaining that relationship. Yelling “Fuck” at the top of my voice when someone touches me wrong does that to a person.

Yet, I’m not in charge, and haven’t been. Damn. This kicks me in the tail, sideways. Damn it.

Okay, back to our regularly scheduled mayhem. -L

Spoons

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Morning all, have been posting from bed lately, and I am sorry. Today I am up for a bit at the desk, and thought I would bring you up to speed.

I woke at just close to 1 this afternoon. I’d finally fallen asleep at about 2:30. I have a device that tracks my sleep, and that is what it tells me. I probably could have gotten up for the day at 8:30, but my body said “Oh hell no, git yer arse back to bed.” I’d gotten up to head to the necessary. Having a bladder the size of an acorn does help in life, I swear, it means that I don’t need an alarm clock.

I desperately need a shower, but am worried that I don’t have enough spoons to get the job done. My husband is in that same boat. We do use daily sponge baths so to speak, but a shower just resets the body somehow. I know that the hot water would be a blessing, but I don’t want to crash to bed for 4 hours afterwards.

Diabetically, my blood sugars are back through the roof. It’s just too much sometimes. I know that stress and pain raise blood sugars, and even intermittant fasting doesn’t help. So, I do the best I can, and pray for the rest.

Measuring out the spoons for the day is a rat bastard. I have to have enough spoons to make it through the ‘normal’ activities. Yet there are times even going to the necessary takes 5 frigging spoons per visit. There are days I long for someone to take care of me, but then again, there are days that I remember what it was like working in long term care.

The catch-22. I’m an addict. Therefore, for pain management, I am behind the 8 ball. There are no medications I can take that will improve my quality of life. While the flares are through the roof, I am screwed. I can’t camp, sitting in the back yard under a tent is a major spoon withdrawal point at times. Other times, I sit out there in defiance of my body.

That’s really what’s going on. In defiance of the spoons, and in defiance of my body, I get things done. I guess, I’m just thinking this through as I write. I know that the flares get worse as time goes on. Yet that proposed camping trip to the backyard is still giving me hope.

I’m just waiting for when the high temp for the day is in the 60’s and the lows are in the 40’s again. I’m looking forward to it.

Meanwhile, I suppose I better go lay back down and zone out for a few. Please take care, -L

AA Step 4

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Note, this is how I do AA’s step 4. Not a guru, not your sponsor, not the only way to do this.

You will need in addition to the previous supplies mentioned, a ruler and pencil. Possibly a separate notebook for this step alone. On my first 4 step, I used a financial planner with many columns. You could try this if it will work for you.

Read BB page 64 to 71, 12×12 step 4 chapter.

You will also want to review your step work and the reading done up to this point. Is there anything you have left out? You will need your drinking/using history from step one for some of this.

In your notebook or financial planner, make columns or use the first column for the names, places, ideas, institutions and situations that caused us to feel injustice. Go down the column and only list these things. Don’t do anything else yet. This is your mega all-time grudge list. Name it all. It’s quite cathartic.

Next column, next to each listing in column 1, write down what caused it. Do not move on to the 3rd column until column 2 is finished for all of it.

Column 3: Affects… Next to each, mark down if the resentment/situation affects your SE (self-esteem), Sec (Security), A (ambitions), PR (personal relationships), SR (sexual relationships), P (pocketbook, or finances), F(fear), Note: You will often find more names to add to the resentment list the more you dig, I certainly did. Go ahead and add them to column 1, and write down the cause as you find them.

Re-read last paragraph page 66 through page 67 again. Column 4, prayer list. Do nothing with this column yet.

Column 5 see page 67 again. How can I be helpful to them/others?

Column 6 see page 67, Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, or frightened?

Column 7, see page 67. Where were we to blame?

Column 8 see page 48. What was my sin involved, use the 7 deadly sins list.

Column 9. page 69 BB. Whom had we hurt?

Column 10. Was I self-pitied or depressed?

Column 11. Did we unjustifyably arouse jealousy, suspition or bitterness? Page 69 BB

Column 12. What should we have done instead?

Column 13 Was the relationship selfish or not?

Column 14 Was I filled with anger, worry, self-pity, or depression? P 69 BB

Stop! Take a 24 hour break

We move on to list 2, Fears.

Do the exact same columns as the resentments list.

Column 15, Has self-reliance failed us?

Column 16, Did we set the ball rolling? Were we at fault?

Read page 251 BB and page 551 BB

We ask Him to remove our fears and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once we commenced to outgrow fear. Page 68 BB

Stop! Take a 24 Hour Break!

Lists 3 and 4 Personal and Sexual Relationships and people we have harmed.

Duplicate the columns in List 1 and 2 one thing you may notice, that most of the names on the resentment list will end up here.

Column 17, Do we owe an amends for our part? Leave room for Column 18, Am I willing to make amends? Do not fill that in yet, that’s for a future step.

Add every person’s name listed above to a prayer list.

List 5 Character ASSETS

List the things you did right, the things about you that are positives, the things about you that are good.

Other parts you perhaps could include….

Financial Inventory, Employment Inventory, Legal Inventory… Information on those is included in the 12×12

Footnotes:

Never do this type of inventory without a sponsor. It’s hard core AF.

The one ring

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My husband and I have been together since 2002. I was homeless, and he had a home. He was jobless, and I had a job. We started as roommates, believe it or not. We met in recovery. I had a couple of years, and he had a few months.

When my mother died, and we went through her things, we found a wedding ring set. Cheap, dirt cheap, it was. It wasn’t the set she used to marry Dad, so my sister didn’t want it. So, I got it.

My husband bought his ring, another cheap ring, and we married with that. The one he bought was for him, and the one Mom left was for me. Then things changed.

Over the years, Mom’s ring stopped fitting anything but my pinky, and his knuckles swelled to the point that he couldn’t wear his. So, I gave my daughter Mom’s ring. I wore my husband’s wedding ring. It’s on my hand right now.

I’ve thrown the thing at him a few times. I’ve left it in a drawer a few times (believe me, I didn’t want to lose the thing in a chicken coop) I’ve forgotten it, had it on a key ring… It’s pretty beat up.

2 years ago, this spring, I moved away again. He’d been drinking, and we had to have the police in for a few visits, again. I turned my pew pew over to the cops that day. Because I was afraid that I would use it. I lived in a town about 10 miles away for a few months.

Then, I almost lost him. He died a couple of times that year. Doctors brought him back, and I moved back into the house. It wasn’t easy. Life never is. We had visits from the cops a few times that year again. And an officer actually pulled a gun on him.

Then he sobered up. He did it without meetings. He did it without a Big Book. He got dry. I began to appreciate the ring a bit more. I began to wear it full time. It’s rare that I take it off anymore. I find that I can’t.

For some reason, this cheap ring, bought over the counter at a sprall mart, is the 2nd most important item in my universe. The first is a someone. We got married with this ring. I’m grateful.

Hope you have a lovely day. Take care, huge hugs. -L