PEBKAC problems

Morning all, hope you are well. I have assimilated my coffee, taken my medications, and solved all the universe’s problems so far today. That’s bull pocky and you know it.

I’ve taken my meds and drank some coffee medicinally.

The Husband and I have agreed to study the Bible together. This means that I, of one denomination, and him, of a chaos denomination will be studying. I am doing this, perhaps in protest, not because I am an angel or a saint. I’m doing this because he cares about it.

This morning, he’s as anxious as I was on Friday. He’s scared about my seeing a therapist. I’m scared about my seeing a therapist. Something she said yesterday is spurring on this change. It echoes something my sponsor said to me. I have a problem with consistency.

So, since the source of all my problems Exists Between the Keyboard and Chair, I need to work on my relationship with my Husband. It’s the one most fraught with conflict. He is interested in Biblical scholarship. I actually am too, I just…

Okay the prophesy stuff gives me the heebie jeebies. He’s interested in that crap.

I better get back to work. Gentle hugs. -L


Groceries again

Morning all, hope all is well your way. Have already take the first of my medications, and I’m working on the blog while I wait to take the next set.

We are currently under negotiations on the grocery order. This process as I mentioned previously takes days. He requests certain things, and I move heaven and earth to get it done. I have to set the grocery pickup time to a day and time my friend can help me. I have to set the order so that we can afford it.

I’m tired, and frustrated with the whole works. I can’t move heaven and earth today. I just can’t. I’m doing the best I can, but some days it’s just not enough.

I got the car stuck in the driveway the other day before my friend helped me with the driveway. I’m overwhelmed, and Mr Fixit’s idea is that I’m supposed to haul pounds of sand and salt to put under the tires.

If I can’t haul a jug of milk into the house, how the hell am I supposed to do everything else?

Sighs, we’ll get through. I swear. Just right now, I’m overwhelmed. -L

Being loud

Morning all, hope you are well. The fellas are being themselves. I’m settled into my routine for the morning.

Last night a friend was willing to come over and help with the driveway. Holy crap. This was HUGE!! We’ve been working with a tiny drive path, and an even smaller haul into the house path. My friend gave me a safer drive path, broke up most of the crud, and even gave me a wheelchair wide walking path on the driveway. It seems like forever since I’ve been able to get through there.

My husband freaked that I’d paid her 60 dollars to do so. The thing is, she helps me to get so much done around here. It wasn’t just paying her for the driveway, it was all of the times she has helped me with the groceries. The times she went with me when I couldn’t physically do the errands. To be honest, it wasn’t enough for what I need help doing.

Her work made it so that for the last few weeks of winter, I can get out of the house to do the things that need to be done. Whether it is only 2 more weeks of snow, or another 4, this helps. It didn’t take her very long, but her body is able to do what mine is not.

So, my husband is giving me hell this morning. I “was too generous”. Mr Entitled can just get over himself. Screw it.

Maybe, someday he will figure it out. Of course, I’m being optimistic. -L

I’ve been behaving, a little, okay a tiny bit

Morning all. Duke is napping. The husband unit is mumbling to himself again in the dining room. It’s ironic that the add med means that I don’t get irritated near as bad by this as I used to.

Hope you are well. I’m working on coffee that I can actually drink. My taste buds have been reading differently than before. Sweets are way too sweet, and bitters are horrifying. However, I’ve been drinking rotgut coffee for year and years.

I’ll either learn to just swallow the stuff as is, or adapt and find a cheap coffee that isn’t so disgusting.

Meanwhile, I am using the quieter keyboard this morning. I know, my favorite keyboard is on standby just in case I need to growl back. Snort. I’m entertained, and if the clatter of my keyboard can get past the sound of 5 fans running, more power to it.

Fighting the depression is on going. Today’s task is to take my medication for diabetes. Yes, there’s a siren going off in my head that in 19 minutes I need to take those meds. It’s almost a physical feeling, that siren. I am okay with it. I glance up at the clock, but having the reminders go off mentally is helping.

I’m cool with this change. Most of the time, I’d look at the clock and say yep, let me do… and 10 hours later it is too late. Having the urge to do, and get it done is a relief.

I’m finding that I have determination now, that I didn’t have before. It is as if there is a shield between my brain and all the freaking distractions I used to have. If you have ever played jezzball on an older Microsoft computer, with every level you go up, more balls are added. My brain worked like that… I was on a higher level, and no matter what I did there were thousands of little balls flinging at me.

Now, my brain is functioning safely at a lower level. This is cool. Meanwhile, lets talk about this horrible behaving thing.

I haven’t yelled once.

He’s been playing flinch with me, but I haven’t yelled once. I haven’t reacted to the mind games. I haven’t flung his crap back at him. It’s like the old sing song from when I was little, I’m rubber you are glue whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.

His stuff is bouncing back at him, without my reacting to it. I’m not doing it on purpose, I’m just working through what I need to get done. If he doesn’t like it, then he shouldn’t dish it is the way that I see it.

Yes, I’m sticking up for myself more and more. I do make certain that my biological and social needs are met. However, I don’t have to be under his thumb anymore. I may not be able to leave, but I can work through healthier ways to stay. And at least in that, I’m behaving, just a teeny tiny bit.

Gentle hugs my friends, I love you. Will be back again soon. –L

Keyboard mischief

If you have been around awhile, you know that I have a long standing battle with my husband. He doesn’t like noise, but has 5 fans going in the house constantly. For years, I would wear headphones in order to not disturb him as much.

Welp, I also collect keyboards. With the advent of many different devices over the years coming to our home, I’ve always had a few keyboards laying around and about. There is one though, that is the grand daddy of all keyboards, and it is my favorite.

Why? You may ask? Chuckle, back when I first learned to type on an old IBM typewriter, the keys had a certain feel and a certain sound. The typewriter would vibrate a large desk with its rhythmic beats. I miss that old beastie, and yes, I have owned typewriters while living here with my husband.

However, this keyboard, closely mimics the sound and feel of that old IBM. The clack clack of the keys makes it feel as if I am really writing while I work. It’s a beast of a keyboard, and I love it dearly.

My Beloved? Not so much. When he has been going out of his way to be an annoying pita, I use this old horse of a keyboard. There’s nothing he can do about it. I get a small glee in my evil soul typing on this thing.

He’s been connecting to a speaker, and disconnecting from a speaker for about 20 minutes so far today. Repeatedly. I’ve had about enough of the beep and nonsense involved, and felt the urge to write.

Take care my friends, if my passive agressiveness bothers you. Whoops. Gentle hugs, -L

P.S. He knows.