Change is good. I’ll take silver dollars please.

Just kidding. Good morning all. Young Master Duke is keeping an eye on me. I’ve been busy doing chores. My Beloved is asleep. Happy US Thanksgiving to those who celebrate. Happy Friendsgiving. Happy Thursday etc…

I swapped out the tables I use in the mini dungeon. I also set up and did the dishes. I hand wash dishes, as even with setting up the folding table and using wash tubs, it is easier than using the dishwasher. Also, it keeps my hands clean.

Meanwhile, I’m behind on my projects. I swapped tables because my Husband wanted the one for something. The one I have is possibly better suited, I’m not entirely sure. It is on wheels though, so that’s something.

I was really upset, though. When he asked me to do this. I don’t like tearing things down on the fly and swapping stuff out like this unless of course, it is my idea. Chuckle. I swallowed my pride, and did the work.

I left out the snarky comments, and didn’t start a fight like I wanted to. Fighting my character defects sucks. Yes, I’m supposed to be a good kid. Yes, I’m supposed to turn the character defects over. There are days when I do pretty okay on that.

Then there are days like today. Today I want to scream and rage. It’s not becoming a knitter. I know. I don’t want to be a psychopathic bitch. I want to be kind, and to be nice. It doesn’t matter how long I have been sober or clean, I still have character defects.

This means, I still have work to do. The irony, getting rid of character defects isn’t as easy as waving a wand over my head. It’s not as easy as getting dunked in a giant bathtub in front of a congregation. It’s not as easy as fessing my sins in front of a priest.

It means that every time my brain wants to be sick int he head, I need to change my character for the better. Even after all these years sober, I still have to work on this. The problem is still me.

So, I need to get back to work. Young Master Duke wants to go out I am certain. I have more work to do anyways.

Gentle hugs my friends. Be good. -L

Stuck at home

Hello all,

It has been a very quiet few days at home. I’ve been here since Tuesday night, relaxing and hoping for some peace and quiet.

I haven’t spent much time on the patio this week. I’m not sure why. It’s most unsettling, not having a normal routine anymore. Duke misses being out there. I’m thinking that together, we can sit in a little bit. The main problem? I’ve run the batteries down on most of the electronics. When we sit together, we don’t bark so much.

Duke is napping, he was out for a bit, but since it is after 9 at night, I just can’t let him stay out. He barks at people who visit the football field. I admit, some of them egg the boy on.

I’ve hit 4 meetings this week. 2 for either fellowship. Tonight, I stayed home. The IBS made leaving the area of the house just not worth the effort. I’d have to bring a change of clothes to even attempt it.

I’ve been away from social media for awhile as well. I haven’t been posting as much to facebook or reddit except for jokes and whatnot. I’m just not feeling the urge.

I’ve been working on the budget. Since I no longer live in South Dakota, I’m not going to be keeping up the Costco membership. I don’t see heading over there for anything except medical purposes. Going over to shop? A waste of time and money.

Other than that, I’ve been working on cleaning the bedroom and office still. The kids cleaning tools really do work. The only problem, I don’t have a decent mop yet.

Other things I’ve been doing to make life simpler, I have a medication minder now. I set up my medications once per week. This lets me know that if I forget, I can see that I haven’t taken them. It also lets me know that I have done so.

I’ve noticed that I’m much more forgetful than I used to be. I can’t remember certain things anymore, even when I’ve just done them. Writing in my journal, bullet journal style certainly does help. The problem? Remembering to journal at times. There are days that I sit down at the desk, and the next thing I notice, is that it’s time to go to bed.

The forgetfulness is driving me nuts. That’s a short trip, I know.

On the recovery front, many of my character defects have taken their toll on my serenity and my sanity.

I don’t want to be the joking and snarky bitch that I’ve been for decades anymore. I just want a quiet life. I don’t want the hubbub, I just want quiet. Being a snarky bitch is really getting in the way. There are times that those who have been not so close to me, don’t understand that I really hate being this way.

The snarkiness and smartass remarks are making the depression worse. I just most days fight the depression more than anything else. Wanting to change for the better, having a quiet life, and not succeeding because I am expected to think, act and live a certain way really sucks.

Another way my character defects have destroyed my life lately is that they have hurt my husband. He expects me to blow up and have a short fuse. That hurts more than the expectations of others that I be a snarky bitch.

I don’t know what to do, other than to keep writing, and keep praying.

That’s all for now.


Respect, far will get you.

Finding loopholes.

I’m working the loopholes more than ever. I decided to post my study notes to the blog, and I hope they will be useful to others. However, I’ve also been working on other loopholes. I have learned that being angry does not work. I have also learned that self-righteousness is a waste of time. I have learned that respect goes a long way.

Here is an example. 

When something happens, and there is a problem, I have to deal with the situation. I have to focus on the solution, not the problem. In recent days, I have had a device that was getting overheated without provocation. I called tech support with the provider of the device. I followed directions, and the solution I was given did not work. When the device overheated again, I called tech support again, and was told that there was nothing that they could do.

So, I waited. I thought, and I hit the google machine. I also gathered evidence. I tested the temperatures that the device was reaching. I took notes. I went to the manufacturer of the device instead of the provider of the device. The manufacturer is being quite good to me. I have hopes of a resolution to my problem.

What is different here? I did not blow up at the provider. I did give a feedback survey, in writing to my provider. I was upset, I was angry, but I did not act on my anger. That is a huge difference in the way I used to handle things.

I do not want to be terrified to use a device that I am paying for. I do not deserve better treatment than anyone else, I do, however, want to be treated with respect. In recovery, painfully, I have learned to treat others with respect and dignity. I am not an expert at it, and there are times I fall quite short of the mark. However, I do the best I can.

That’s all for now. I am grateful for your time.

Living in a family sober

I have been struggling with this blog post for several days now. I was hoping to make this into a series on relationships in recovery.  It has been rough going.

In accordance with the rules I follow, handed down from on high by my sponsor, I must be honest here. I must also not suggest anything I have not done. I had grand dreams about writing a lovely post about applying traditions to family life. The truth is, I am not very good at it. I looked closely at my relationships within my family, and found a few resentments that I need to let go of. I also saw that I do not do very well at working the traditions.  I would love to say that I am an innocent, and that I am a saint.

I am not.

I do the best that I can with what I am given. I have goals, and ideals, but again, I do not do well at being a family member in recovery.

Here is how it is supposed to work. I am supposed to keep my family first, to value unity, and promote peace in my family. The truth is, I have seriously been considering a divorce and I have been focusing on personal problems versus focusing on reality.

I am supposed to be keeping God first at home and at meetings. However, I fall short of that ideal as well. My first thought of the day usually is, where is the bathroom? My second thought is usually looking for the first cigarette of the day, not where is my Bible and let’s plug away at those daily homework assignments.

I also am supposed to be focusing on taking care of my own home first, and then recovery. The truth here is that I am a horrible house keeper, and I am way behind on the chores.

So, where does that leave living the program in family life?

I am human, just like everyone else. I do the best I can, and I fall short most days. I pick on my siblings, and I bug my Dad. I do not get as much done in a day as I could or should do. There just is not enough time.

I am not qualified to give advice, I just do what I can do.

That’s all I have for now, feel free to comment below if you have any questions.

Take care,