I’ve been behaving, a little, okay a tiny bit

Morning all. Duke is napping. The husband unit is mumbling to himself again in the dining room. It’s ironic that the add med means that I don’t get irritated near as bad by this as I used to.

Hope you are well. I’m working on coffee that I can actually drink. My taste buds have been reading differently than before. Sweets are way too sweet, and bitters are horrifying. However, I’ve been drinking rotgut coffee for year and years.

I’ll either learn to just swallow the stuff as is, or adapt and find a cheap coffee that isn’t so disgusting.

Meanwhile, I am using the quieter keyboard this morning. I know, my favorite keyboard is on standby just in case I need to growl back. Snort. I’m entertained, and if the clatter of my keyboard can get past the sound of 5 fans running, more power to it.

Fighting the depression is on going. Today’s task is to take my medication for diabetes. Yes, there’s a siren going off in my head that in 19 minutes I need to take those meds. It’s almost a physical feeling, that siren. I am okay with it. I glance up at the clock, but having the reminders go off mentally is helping.

I’m cool with this change. Most of the time, I’d look at the clock and say yep, let me do… and 10 hours later it is too late. Having the urge to do, and get it done is a relief.

I’m finding that I have determination now, that I didn’t have before. It is as if there is a shield between my brain and all the freaking distractions I used to have. If you have ever played jezzball on an older Microsoft computer, with every level you go up, more balls are added. My brain worked like that… I was on a higher level, and no matter what I did there were thousands of little balls flinging at me.

Now, my brain is functioning safely at a lower level. This is cool. Meanwhile, lets talk about this horrible behaving thing.

I haven’t yelled once.

He’s been playing flinch with me, but I haven’t yelled once. I haven’t reacted to the mind games. I haven’t flung his crap back at him. It’s like the old sing song from when I was little, I’m rubber you are glue whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.

His stuff is bouncing back at him, without my reacting to it. I’m not doing it on purpose, I’m just working through what I need to get done. If he doesn’t like it, then he shouldn’t dish it is the way that I see it.

Yes, I’m sticking up for myself more and more. I do make certain that my biological and social needs are met. However, I don’t have to be under his thumb anymore. I may not be able to leave, but I can work through healthier ways to stay. And at least in that, I’m behaving, just a teeny tiny bit.

Gentle hugs my friends, I love you. Will be back again soon. –L


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