Working a few things through

Morning all, hope you are well. My husband is cooking some sort of bacon monstrosity in the kitchen. He’s also telling Young Master Duke to leave him alone. Snort. He should know better. Bacon cooking requires letting Young Master Duke outside for at least 20 minutes whilst one cooks and eats their monstrosities.

I call it a monstrosity, because he doesn’t like his bacon the way I do. I don’t like his cooking, and he doesn’t like mine. I use spices, he doesn’t. I like hot sauces, and he hides from them. The irony here is that to eat anything he cooks, I need hot sauce and at least garlic salt. Sighs. Yet, he loves the way I doctor up a frozen pizza. There’s nothing to that, add some of this and that top with shredded cheese and bake for 5 minutes longer than the directions say.

I’ve had a weird side effect to the new medications. I’m speaking up for myself more and more. I use and love the word “No” again. My Husband wanted his traditional 4 hour rant about all the things with me as hostage witness. I shut that down immediately. Not how I want to spend a morning. Heck, not how I want to spend any of my time. I call it hostage witness as he refuses to talk to other humans. At all. I don’t want to be his hostage.

He needs help beyond my abilities, I recognize that. I also know that by reaching out for help with therapy and psychiatry, I’m breaking the mold again. I’m saying “NO” more and more. It is causing him stress. I’m ‘supposed to listen’ to his rants about the apocalypse and the end of the world. I’m supposed to ‘agree to his point of view’. Actually, no I’m not.

I’m supposed to have my own opinions. I have the right to live here. I have the right to not be chased from the office bedroom to the kitchen and back again at his whims. I have the right to just survive.

But you knew that. Years of trying to find peace at the cost of my serenity and dignity is hell. There’s no reasoning with him in any form. It is the way it is. It’s life. Maybe some day, I will escape, with Young Master Duke. Or after Young Master Duke crosses the rainbow bridge. We will see.

Take care my friends. -L


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