No matter what

Morning all, hope you are well. I’m writing this around 5 in the evening. It’s been a rough but okay day so far. The boys are behaving, I am as well. I’m about to start getting the dishes done.

I’m currently missing my regularly scheduled recovery commitment. This bites me hard. Well, for the proper language, I’m disappointed in the situation. Okay, I know why it was canceled. I just really really look forward to these monthly talks at aftercare.

However, from the wheelchair, going out in all weathers is over. I don’t have a snowplow on the chair, so you know, life happens. Heck, I can’t even push the thing through a few little flakes. Yet, that’s not the point of the exercise.

I guess sitting here listening to 40 year old country music isn’t helping matters is it. Chuckle. Songs as familiar as my hands croon in my ears, and settle my soul. They bring me to a place in my heart where I was still young and lithe. They bring me to a place when I could run, and the worst of my addiction hasn’t happened yet.

Now we come to the point of this post. I’m a drug addict in recovery. I’ve been taking part in online clean work for many years, back to the days when ICQ was the site of choice, and yahoo groups were a thing.

Back then, there were not enough face to face meetings available to keep me going, so I attended online meetings often. I was a weirdo, back then that was unheard of. Today, it’s saved my sanity. I learned to stay clean no matter what.

Recovery has to be my first priority, and staying sober, for those who drink or staying clean for the rest of us has to come first. It’s the only thing after my faith in God that comes before family, friends, and my marriage.

As an addict, I am responsible for living the program, working the steps and carrying the message. I am accountable to my marriage, my friends and family for staying sober. How? I would not have those things if I wasn’t sober today. If I picked up, those relationships would just be done. The next high would be my God again, and nothing, absolutely nothing would stop me.

I know, after working the 4th and 5th steps what I am capable of, and I know how much damage I did in the boozing and using days. I also know that clawing my way out of that hell was not easy, and without the help of a Higher Power, higher than the disease of addiction, I have no chance of a snowball in hell of coming back to recovery.

You see, once using becomes acceptable, nothing matters anymore. It is what it is. It’s normal again, and we are not talking about the washer. We are talking about what is regularly happening on a daily basis for me.

So, no matter what, I want to stay clean. I want to be among the sober ones. I want to live long enough to get that 75 year medallion some day.

Take care my loved ones, be careful out there. Hugs and huggage. I will bug you again soon. -L