Day: January 23, 2022

Pain day from hell

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Morning, I have some hot coffee, and a feller is pointing out the intricate details of a cheap aluminum stove on youtube right now. I’m entertained, at least.

The last couple of nights have been rat bastards from hell for pain. I want someone to do jumping jacks on my spine with a sledge hammer. Hey, at least I didn’t scream when I woke up this morning eh?

I have a bone to pick, and while the spine is screaming sweet nothings in my ear, I might as well get it off my chest. Here’s a letter for those including Bill W. of AA who say I can’t pray for myself.

FUCK YOU

When the pain is bad enough I wonder if I am going to make it acrossed the house to go to the bathroom, I pray. When I can’t get out of bed because of a spasm, I pray.

When the functionality of another limb goes down, but the Dr’s refuse to even do an xray, I pray (especially to not commit homicide of the imbecile in front of me). When the dog has to go to the back yard, and I can’t reach down low enough to reach his tie out, I pray.

When death looks better than living one more day, because I can’t get relief from the pain because I am a drug addict and alcoholic, I pray sometimes for death to take me.

So yes, I’m a bit defensive of my needs to pray for myself this morning. Meanwhile, I have another dog sweater almost done, and I have to start another. The dogs of the world are cold.

Take care, may God be with you today. -L

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Morning and a new favorite word

anonymousknitterLeave a comment

Morning all, am snuggled up in a sweater, blankets, and heating pad behind the computer. The temps have increased a bit over night, but I’m not taking any chances.

In giving up the secretary’s position for the service community, I had to learn a new word. It had fast become my favorite. I giggle, sometimes after using it. Is that wrong of me? We’ll see.

I have come to passionately adore the word “NO‘”. I started using it in my last year as secretary, an as I reminded folks that they have a new secretary now, that word became more and more delicious.

Saying “No” to folks who wanted me to do something from my old job. Saying “No” to folks who wanted me to drop 99 things to do their just one thing. Saying “NO” when someone desperately desired hundreds of hours of my time when my body would pay the price on that.

It’s almost to the point, that that word gives me a euphoria. I don’t have to just through 99 hoops to make others happy anymore. I don’t have to scramble to make everything right. I don’t have to figure out how to fix it when others dropped the ball.

I don’t have to do so.

It started when I was disowned. I realized that the trips I had been making over120 miles were putting me into bed for 2 days afterwards. I also realized that pain levels and stress 24 hours before these trips made the pain 3 times worse.

I then made the decision to switch over to local Dr offices for medical as much as possible. Then came the work arounds. Video medical visits instead of physical except for once per year. And putting myself on a list to get an indwelling blood sugar monitor rather than pin pricks.

Then came the change of deciding that if I wasn’t driving 60 miles in one direction, I wasn’t going to drive 60 miles in the other for dances, and picnics and such. Same pain hangtime, and same stress levels.

Eventually, it boils down to, my body can’t pay the check on things I can’t handle anymore. I will still go visit the daughter, and I still have a few camping trips planned, just much closer to home.

One day, a good friend said, “You’re starting to like that word “no” aren’t you.” I began to giggle. That’s when it hit me. My people pleasing over the years did me absolutely no good whatsoever. It still got me in trouble with my father, and it still landed me where I am today.

I said, Yep, it’s my new favorite word.

Hugs all, take care. Happy New Year. –L