Fighting the good fight.

Heads up:

My anxiety levels have been through the roof lately. So you may see me in a meeting online, and then poof, I’m gone.

This is normal for September and October. It’s the pre-clean date depression and anxiety where addict brain is going ape on me again. It’s the big gorilla in the room in a fluffy pink tutu wearing glittery purple neon wings.

I’m dealing with it. However, at any time, I might need to bug out. Public panic attacks, even online ones suck big time. So, I’m waiting out addict brain. Though I have gotten better at yelling back.

When addict brain tells me that I’m worthless and don’t deserve to breathe, I’ve gotten pretty good at telling it to Shut the f* up. When addict brain tells me that everything I say and do is evil and I need to be punished for all of it’s imagined sins, I tell it where to go, and how to get there. When addict brain wants to replay every nasty part of being abused as a child or in my first marriage, I’ve got the ability to put a pin in that balloon and pop the sheet out of it.

Some days, I do better than others.

However, in public, it’s a bit harder having those screaming matches with the disease of addiction in my head. So, it’s much easier to bug out quietly and safely. Even in meetings, which should be the safest place in the world for me, addict brain wants me dead in a ditch.

So, what do I do? I bug out quietly, give myself a break, and hit a different online meeting an hour or two later. Addict Brain can kiss my fat cellulite encrusted backside. Addict brain isn’t going to win.

Hugs ya’ll. Take care, -L


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