Negotiating a change


Morning all, have been up for about an hour now. Hubs brought me some coffee and some Tang. I have a diet coke by my side as well. I’m slowly forcing the brain cells to fire.

It’s not easy being green, to quote the famous frog. This day isn’t a fibro flare day, it’s not a brain fog day, it is a Thursday.

I have always tried since recovery to be a good kid. Not a nice kid, nice kids get bullied, even in recovery. However, I have tried to be good. Part of that is reading the rulebook, and working the problem. “Do the math” to quote Mark Watney.

“Solve enough problems and you get to go home.” Mark Watney the Martian, extended cut. I have tried to focus on reality. “Happiness is reality over expectation.” -Wheels to walking on YouTube. Yet, there are times when reality is so overwhelming that I admit, I have shelled myself up, and stayed home.

Over the last year, that is exactly what I have done. Partly because the government said I should do so, and I agreed wholeheartedly. I am an obese disabled person who is diabetic, smokes like a chimnea, and has allergy issues. There are times my immune system can’t shake a cold or a stomach bug.

Like many, I treat the symptoms, when I get sick, and do my best otherwise.

Yet, I am also in recovery. Alcohol is just one of the many drugs I am addicted to. If it changes the mind or the mood, if it makes me feel better, I am addicted to it.

When I attended my first ever meeting, September 2nd 1997, I had no clue what to expect. I was terrified. Yet, on October 16th 1998, I used for the last time. I met many wonderful and mischievous people over the years.

I was able to do many things in recovery. I was able to get a driver’s license. I was able to make amends for the things I did wrong. I was able to work in different professions. Heck, at one point, I became an auditor if you would believe that. I am a proud and contented concealed carry holder.

One thing I could not do was to change the nature of the disease of addiction. I could not change the nature of addicts in any form. Yet, the Serenity Prayer, and the nature of the program came through in the end.

When the pandemic hit, my former homegroup did not shut down. They kept meeting, without masks, throughout. I attended 3 face to face meetings since the governor of my state declared an emergency.

Once, in June, when a good friend encouraged me to come back, and the governor said it was okay to meet in small groups again. I was the only person to wear a mask the entire meeting. I was apalled.

Once again, the first Sunday of November, to get a recovery medallion. My best friend who was there was told that I didn’t deserve one, since I was no longer a member of that group.

Lastly, on Christmas, I drove 60 miles to a masked group in another town, my new homegroup. Where I was able to pick up a keytag for that fellowship, and get 2 very important hugs. I am still in tears over that experience.

Being able to hug is the biggest thing I miss. I have had 5 hugs since March of last year. 2 on Christmas, and 1 from my Dad. 1 from my daughter, and 1 from her mother at our daughter’s wedding day.

Yesterday blew my mind. For the first time since the 16th of March, I was in a room with more than 10 people willingly. We were all there to get immunized from that horrible virus. We were all there to stop a disease from taking over our lives or even possibly to take our lives or the lives of a loved one.

Husbands and wives were there together, as my hubs and I were. Folks from in town and out of town showed up to make a better future for everyone. With the first of 2 shots, we worked together to fight for our lives.

Today, I have a screaming headache, but that’s okay. I don’t mind. I have had worse hangovers than this, and it is nowhere near the levels that migraines reach. Yes, I am tender in the arm that the shot went into, but it isn’t anywhere near as bad as other things that have happened.

Attending meetings online, staying home for security and safety, changing homegroups, and having almost everything delivered is a small price to pay for the change.

I am a hug collector. My hugs jar is at an all time low. I am also selfish, and want as many hugs as I can get. I try to be a good person, but I really really want a hug again.

So, I ask you. Please, when you can, get vaccinated. Please make the world a better place for all of us. And maybe, someday, if you meet me in the real world, I can give you a big bear hug.

Love ya all madly, -L

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