Hello all,
It’s been a long day here at home. I’m getting ready to leave for the library soon, then I will be off to a meeting or two.
I found my crocs, and while they don’t help much with the swelling in my feet and ankles, they are bigger than most of my shoes. I’ve got a condition that makes swelling feet a difficult problem, compounded by the arthritis which makes walking almost impossible.
The said, it’s been a productive day. I sorted out what books I will need for tonight, and asked the chairman what we should go through for the meeting. He suggested step 5, and so I dug in. I’ve done the steps many times over the years, but nothing helps more than studying before presenting a step at the clubhouse.
The book I’ve been writing and revising over the years is getting another update. Most of it is found in the history of this blog. However, there is always room for improvement. Jane Austen wrote and rewrote her novels many times, with something as important as recovery, I also can rewrite the book. Working on it, helps me to revise and look at things that I have missed, or add things that worked for others.
My recovery date is coming up next month, and it’s been time to focus on the steps again. So, in working things through, I’m finding more aspects of myself that no longer serve me and my spiritual path. For example, I’m reminding myself over and over again to think about what I say before I do. This way, there are less opportunities for amends and shame.
Shame is my biggest thing lately. I’m ashamed of what I’ve done, what I said, and who I am. I’m ashamed of how I acted to impress others. Recently, I’ve observed that while I am not a lady, I am someone who doesn’t like acting in certain ways. Observing what I say when I say it, and censoring myself via step 10 work is valuable.
Other things I’m learning is to re-read the books I’ve collected over the years. Some of them, especially the Alanon books, help with my relationships with others. I’m sick of bending over backwards to please people who never will understand who I am, or let me be who I want to really be.
Now, when I talk about being a Lady, I don’t mean some chick with a title and money. I mean, being someone who is respectful, compassionate, and understanding.
That’s what I want for myself.
On the knitting front, I’m not going to be able to get to knitting group tonight. Sighs. I wish I could, but I have to be at meetings.
I’ve got to be a responsible adult.
I’m also looking at how much I do for others, versus taking care of myself. I’ve decided that taking a random night off from things will help. I’ve also decided to focus on getting myself better.
I know that this is a ramble. It’s where I am right now. I better get some cigarettes rolled and get my tail out the door. I’m running late.
Hugs,
-L
AnonymousKnitter 