It’s almost morning, and I’m not in bed quite yet


Another black night for me. It’s been a day of tears and missing my best friend. She’s somewhere in Montana on the way to Arizona, and I’m here sitting at her desk, listening to 80’s rock in a way to get over the grieving.

I’ve been down the grieving road before. I’ll be okay in time. We do talk on the phone, but I’m being selfish and lonely.

Lonely, that’s a word I don’t use often.

Snuggie and Duke are asleep. Today was a two meeting day. I needed the insight from the first meeting, on step 4. There are character defects that need to be peeled off. Right now they feel like a 3rd degree sunburn from hell. Working the program like I’ve been taught, when a major change happens, I’m supposed to hit the steps over again.

Well, with my sponsor moving to Arizona, I have the best reason. I feel kinda like I did when I moved away from home for the first time. Scared and alone.

Yes, Snuggie and Duke are here, which is a huge change. I have friends and recovery family to lean on. I thought about using today though. Writing, another homework assignment, from my sponsor, helps with the flow of the pain. I know that the emotions are hitting like a flash flood right now. I need to write it, and wait it out.

So, that’s what I’m doing.

How I handled getting kicked off the farm was burying myself in service work and by writing for hours. I filled a few notebooks. This morning, I grabbed my recovery books and pulled them out of their covers.

For awhile, I thought about replacing them. It’s something I do every few years. I write notes in the margins, and highlight them anew. I mark down the things I identify with, and notes from the meetings.

I find sheets of paper in the old books, printouts from the Grapevine or articles printed up for Area.

This time, though the notes in the margins are needed. Every highlighted word and scribble over the last couple of years are the things that will pull me through. I’m going to be okay. Besides, I have sponsees to work with, and service work to do over the next few days.

There are newcomers to help, notes to be written and steps to work. I’ve got dishes and laundry to do, and the garage needs the fall once over done. The last of the office equipment needs to come in as well. Also, I need to find my bread recipes and get to baking.

For some reason, I don’t feel as lonely anymore. Writing is how I flush the self-pity pot.

Thanks for your time,



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