Up and down through the land of numb

Hello all,

Today is Father’s Day here in the U.S.  I celebrated with Dad a little bit. However this year it is overshadowed by the last three weeks of chaos. My wrist still hurts from yesterday. 
I have begun to loathe the words “How are you?”  
Most of the the day I don’t know how I am. I’m numb half the time. Other times I am sad, hurt, angry and lonely. I don’t know what to feel. I spent most of the day just sitting and smoking. 
I’m numb. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. 
Above all of that, there are a zillion times I am replaying yesterday morning in my head. Crying I wait to do until I am alone. 
For awhile today, I set my timer to keep me busy while I thought about anything but drinking or yesterday. But after a couple of hours that got old. 
I’m not sure what is happening in my life anymore. At this point I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. 
Then in a couple of seconds the wave after wave of numb happens. 
I’m told that this is natural. 
So, I will wait it out. 
Like I said, my wrist hurts. I’m going to head in and make a snack for Dad and Iand think again maybe later. 
That’s all for now. 
Louise Ann Benjamin 


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