Today is Father’s Day here in the U.S. I celebrated with Dad a little bit. However this year it is overshadowed by the last three weeks of chaos. My wrist still hurts from yesterday.
I have begun to loathe the words “How are you?”
Most of the the day I don’t know how I am. I’m numb half the time. Other times I am sad, hurt, angry and lonely. I don’t know what to feel. I spent most of the day just sitting and smoking.
I’m numb. I’m tired. I’m exhausted.
Above all of that, there are a zillion times I am replaying yesterday morning in my head. Crying I wait to do until I am alone.
For awhile today, I set my timer to keep me busy while I thought about anything but drinking or yesterday. But after a couple of hours that got old.
I’m not sure what is happening in my life anymore. At this point I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
Then in a couple of seconds the wave after wave of numb happens.
I’m told that this is natural.
So, I will wait it out.
Like I said, my wrist hurts. I’m going to head in and make a snack for Dad and Iand think again maybe later.
That’s all for now.
Louise Ann Benjamin