Up and down through the land of numb


Hello all,

Today is Father’s Day here in the U.S.  I celebrated with Dad a little bit. However this year it is overshadowed by the last three weeks of chaos. My wrist still hurts from yesterday. 
I have begun to loathe the words “How are you?”  
Most of the the day I don’t know how I am. I’m numb half the time. Other times I am sad, hurt, angry and lonely. I don’t know what to feel. I spent most of the day just sitting and smoking. 
I’m numb. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. 
Above all of that, there are a zillion times I am replaying yesterday morning in my head. Crying I wait to do until I am alone. 
For awhile today, I set my timer to keep me busy while I thought about anything but drinking or yesterday. But after a couple of hours that got old. 
I’m not sure what is happening in my life anymore. At this point I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. 
Then in a couple of seconds the wave after wave of numb happens. 
I’m told that this is natural. 
So, I will wait it out. 
Like I said, my wrist hurts. I’m going to head in and make a snack for Dad and Iand think again maybe later. 
That’s all for now. 
Louise Ann Benjamin 

Hotdogs and Mustard


Good Morning,
Sitting here in the office relaxing a bit. I’ve been doing things in fits and spurts today. I’ve got my browser working double duty this morning. I’m wiping my facebook clean, slowly.
Why?
Well, the first thing, it’s got to be done. I’m going through a phase, again, where I just don’t want the Happy Crap on my wall. I also am removing all references to my marriage. It’s time to purge things, and I don’t want any reminders.
I’m working on it, slowly. Since I have two accounts, I’m working on it as efficiently as I can. Googling how to do it will give you a few results, I picked a good one, and we’ll see how well it works.
Today, while it is the Sabbath, is a good day to just focus on purging the bad, and live in the now. So, I’m slowly doing that. I’ve got many things that just have to go. Some of it doesn’t fit, doesn’t work, is broken, or just is inefficient. Those are the things that are going.
Other things, the things I treasure, are of course staying. However, they have a new meaning. It’s going to take awhile, and I want this place to look as good as my Aunty’s house in town, so I have to do the work in front of me to do.
Please keep in mind, that some of it won’t ever look that good, but I’m going to try to get us there.
Last weekend while I was in Minnesota, I dug up my Mother’s ashes. They are with me now. I’m planning a garden for her to rest in. It’s going to take a few years, but I want to have it done sooner rather than later. I’ve been researching the type of garden that I want. I’ve been looking at the layout, and where exactly it’s going to go.
There are decisions to be made. So, soon I can get to work. I’m going to till the area and plant it with perennials. I’m going to be working on getting a stepping stone path through the flowers, and several rose bushes to go in there.
Like I said, it’s going to take a few years. One thing though, I need to plant a couple of fruit trees there too. I’m not sure exactly which ones yet. I’ll ask Dad for advice. I am thinking of some dwarf trees, ones that won’t overtake the garden. I also want lilac bushes surrounding, with different colors of lilac bushes. The flower beds will go along the foot path, and there will be a couple of benches in there for quiet peaceful time. We have lilacs here, and with some of the flowers I’m inheriting, well I have a start.
Give me a few years to get it ready, and then I will post pictures.
Breakfast this morning is a couple of hot dogs, no buns, and mustard. It’s about all I could get down. My stomach is still a bit rocky from all the chaos yesterday. Getting the work done was more important than taking care of my body.
I talked on the phone with a friend last night, and another this morning. I noticed that last night, when I was asked how I was doing, all I could say was “Whipped” or “numb”. This morning I couldn’t even answer the question.
I don’t know the answer as to how I am doing. I don’t know how I feel, or even what to think.
I’m just doing what is in front of me to do today. Tomorrow, I will worry about the rest.
That’s about all anyone can ask of me for now, because it’s all I have.
Will write again soon,
Louise Ann Benjamin