A cool day

Today’s forecast calls for a high of 68* it probably won’t hit that temp until much later in the day, nearer to 7 PM. After my first post of the day, I sat up for a bit watching old Queen videos on YouTube, talked to a friend a bit and went back to bed.

I was cold, and I couldn’t get warm no matter what I did. I noticed that one of my blankets had slid to the floor and corrected the problem. I then went directly to sleep.

Instead of dreaming about Freddie Mercury, I dreamt that Dad and I went back in time, Lazarus Long style, and spent Christmas with the family, circa 2000 or earlier. The kids were all little yet, and having fun. I wanted to capture that moment and share it with Dad when I woke up, but I don’t dare.

You see the family has been split for many years now. It would break his heart.

Living on the farm, I often have nightmares about the past, before my alcoholism was in remission. I don’t say anything about these dreams, but there are times Dad hears me crying. I only tell him that it was a nightmare, and get on with the day the best I can.

It’s on those dark nights that I wish I was never born. Years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Thankfully, with a lot of help, the only residue of those days of walking nightmares, flashbacks so vivid that I can remember taste, smell, and touch, that every sound is loud in my ears and I’m helpless… the only residue is those nightmares.

I guess you could say that a pleasant memory of the past is a blessing. A pleasant dream about those days is a miracle. There are still days when the panic attacks come, and I still do the work that I need to in order that the terror doesn’t overtake my world. However, they are few and far between.

As far as my alcoholism and my drug addiction are concerned, I’ve been in remission for a long time. I haven’t had a drink since October 16, 1998. My last drug relapse was a suicide attempt on May 26, 2010. I call it a relapse because I took twice as much sleeping medication, and a large overdose of insulin that night. Call it what you will, I call it a relapse.

Today, I’m grateful that I’m in remission. It’s a good thing.

Meanwhile, there are hungry mouths to feed, dishes to do, and laundry to get out on the line. That’s all I have folks.

Louise Ann Benjamin


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